& de Story goes ...

leave me alone.

i've been thinking lately. why should i make my life miserable, with all the heart aches, cryings and misery... when happiness and sadness is chosen by you yourself instead? you are the one to choose how you wanted your life to be and how you want to lead your life. it's just the fact that, don't let the people around you or your surroundings controlled your life. haiz. how i wish i could maintain the thoughts of it, to just let it be this way. when no one could really make you happy, your ownself could try to.

i've been busy working. shift work. i wish i could make myself busy all these days at work, to forget everything... i mean... those thoughts i had all this while that makes me paranoid and sad... and stuffs. i'm sooo happy attending nasty resident. kind of... challenging? perhaps? ... hmmmmm. sometimes i just feel hopeless and pathetic handling nasty callers. but at least i tried.

i don't know whether i do still love hym or ... the feeling has fade away. i just... i don't know. sometimes i just feel like wanna break up with him. i would rather live alone. tak mati pon kalao takde mataer. i always asking myself. why am i always be the one to think of hym, think bout this relationship, the one who always decide how things are and how it supposed to be. but when i've suggest or decides on something, he would always throw sarcastic remarks or comments on it. in a relationship, i thought we should discuss and decide together. but he always pointed me out to lead the way instead and when things get cock up, pointed finger on me? and i'm the one to be blame? this is so unfair! he always thinks about himself. i thought... he's the guy. i mean... he's a man and should be the one who ... haiz. it's so hard and complicated. i don't know what to do. i could feel that he's changed.

i've deleted his number. i just wanna forget bout him in my life right now, for the time being i mean. i just wana be alone. i need to think. what's good for me. hmmmmmm.

Selepas tangis
Ilham pun mengintai
Melontar kata
Buat aku terfikir

Selepas hujan
Hari nampak berseri
Menggilap cermin hidup
Buat aku sedar

Harus bangkit semula
Sampai hatimu memandangmu (Teruja)
Baru kau tahu tinggi langit
Dicabar cinta (Teruja)

Belaian angin
Bisa jadi ribut
Halus budi wanita
Bisa jadi keras

Bagai gelora
Merubah sempadan
Aku merintis
Dunia baru

-ella: teruja-

hidup ini, jangan terlalu mengharapkan
kelak nanti, kecewa sendiri.
kita sedih ke, kita marah ke,
orang lain takkan tahu.

: thynk of happy thoughts and it could make you smyle. :

...deep inside, itz bleedin...
4:45 AM

+++++++++

another yr older.

just turned a year older.
& it was just like any other normal days.
i wanna make myself happy if no one does.
thanks pple for the wishes. :]
& it makes me smyle...

just leave me alone for the tyme being.
doesn't mean i'm leavyn you.
i need some tyme for myself.
im sick and tyred of crying and consolyn myself.
i just want to be happy for a day... just for today.

:ouh, happy birthdae to me.:

listenyn to:ella ~ rama-rama.

...deep inside, itz bleedin...
1:23 PM

+++++++++

lovehurtz.

[ 8march'09 ]
i sleep the whole freaking dae.
i felt like i wana sleep and never wake up.
heeeee. :]

[ 9march'09 ]
we went out tonight. and i waited again. sumtymes i felt sick of waiting. i was being WILD yet CONFUSED. im having a mix feelyn actually. lost + confused + heartbroken + wasted + wild + love + hate + missing + paranoid + freak!. ouh, datz so typical of me. hmmmmm. and guess what? i tried out sumtyn i never done in my whole entire freakyn life before! ouh my god im sucha FREAK! i just hope he LOVES me more. haiz.

love me ~ love me ~
sae that you love me ~
fool me ~ fool me ~
go on and fool me ~
love me ~ love me ~
pretend that you love me ~
leave me ~ leave me ~
just sae that you NEED me ~
so i cry, i pray and i beg...

love me ~ love me ~
sae that you love me ~
leave me ~ leave me ~
just sae that you NEED me ~
i can't care bout anytyng but you.

ouh, how i wish the night is not over yet.

[ 10march'09 ]
and my back hurts. DAMNZ. we went sim lim to buy the protection screen and lappy skin. but unfortunately the lappy skin is not available and needs to re-size. was told itz readied on fridae. headed to old wdlnd mkt to grab the LEVI's watch that we both wanted but DAMNZ, the shop CLOSED! we are so freakingly pissed off and had dinner @CP banquet. talked + crapped + laugh + mad + crazy + tired. we took bus and he send me home. i didn't sleep the night before and ouh, what a day luh sia. :] .

[ 11march'09 ]
i supposed to be on morning shift todae. but my back n my throat's killing me. i just couldn't get my eyes open and i can't get up. i took MC and seek consultation from the doctor in the afternoon. he said i've 2 tonsils and needs to be removed through laser OPS. heee. i myss getting admits in the hospital. :X . ouhkae FREAK! it's just a place where it makes me thynk. thynk about life and death. and soon after been discharged, it make me feel some kind of... alive again.... you know. hmmmmm. ouhkae it was like 8yrs ago sia when i had my gynaecology OPS and the doc found out either both my kidney is at one side or i was born with one kidney. OMG! im an extraordinary. kae lame. -________- . im scared. :( . met hym tonight. & i waited again. haiz.

[ 12march'09 ]
our 6th monthsary and THANK god he didn't forget. :] .
& my wish is ... unable to reveal.

[ 13march'09 ]
very very very very... i mean VERY suay dae.
I HATE SAME SHIFT WITH THAT BAI YEE SINGH, HE'S THE TL AND IM DOING STM. FUCKER!

[ 14march'09 ]
it supposed to be yesterdae the skin can be collected but he said it was wrongly printed and so i accompanied hym todae for that newly-retro-lappy-skin. :] . we love it. i duno bout hym but i lyk it, i dun care! :] . we walked around the mall and bugis street. one thing i hate the most is that...window shopping with hym.
1. need to stick with hym.
2. pay extra attention to hys werds.
3. givyn various comments. coz i've been spotted and replied sarcasticly by hym. "ouhkae uh, not bad", "hmmm." "ahuh, nicex.", "hmmm". "mcm malas jer nk layan". HE IS SOOO SARCASTIC LOR! I HATE IT SIAK! PERANGAI MCM POMPAN SAK. im sooo pissed off. i feel sad and i just kept quiet. i almost wanted to cry. i never shop with guys before and i hate shopping with guys. THEY ARE SO MEAN! :( .

im hys GF and he shouldn't be so sarcastic with me LOR! dah tak suke and da mendak with me, FINE, just say so luh. in the end, "i've got nothing to say, i don't want to argue." :( . ckp salah, tk ckp pon salah. HE'S SUCHA PARANOID! dah luh datang lambat, i tak ckp apape pon. when comes to my part, he's so MEAN. :( .

: sumtymes i just don't know who am i to hym :

last nyte, i questioned hym bout what i saw in his lappy that makes me left heartbroken n confused. his answer is logically accepted but it left me with full of curiosity. haiz. i don't know whether he just testing my damn freaking patience, he wants to make me jealous or he wants to know/see what's my reaction. lelaki, smuernyer samer... same DICK, thynk alike. tknk terlalu mengharapkan sangat pon. & my reaction was damn COOLX yet heartbroken. :X . i breakdown and cried after i replied hym with no-showing-that-im-pissed-off-or-sad msgs. :( . & my eyes swollen again. haiz. lamer-lamer mater aku leh jady sepet. -_____- .

im on night shift and after we had dinner @braddle's Mac, he send me to werk. :]

sumtymes i cried too hard
and hurt myself.
coz it's very hard for me to accept it
and i just can't take it.
am i that pathetic?

i hate myself. :( .

...deep inside, itz bleedin...
4:45 AM

+++++++++

i need a hug.

im utterly disappointed and heartbroken.
all i wanted to do right now is to cry.
just let these tears flow down on my cheeks.
my heart's bleeding and my eyes swolen.
i could feel as if the world collapse onto me.

...deep inside, itz bleedin...
4:55 PM

+++++++++

random.

after 4 days of HELL, im having my sweet yet confused 2 OFF days and followed by my 2 night shifts. i wannabe happy on my next 3 OFF days please. :(

after the big fight, everything settled down. we're like ensure things won't repeat the same thing. i was lyk convincyn of my doings and hopyn he could change soon. haiz, if only he could read my heart and my mind. how i wish, yeah... how i wish. thanks to that special someone. ily and imy to0 as a friend. seriously, i miss my pasts. i myss the *PompanGiler* in me. i felt im being so different out of sudden. fot the past few months, im juz not being myself. im juz wannabe myself. i don't wanna change. why should i? i didn't do those sinful or bad stuffs. but they're just bad habits.

ouhkae, no doubt im having this bad hearings. someone's talking (in a soft tone), i just can't hear clearly luh. so i was lyk pretending i heard. i-noe-im-sick-and-mcm-phm. im sick and tired of asking pple to repeat what they've just said and so i pretended i understand and smile instead. LOLX. im wierd, yeah i know. And that's particularly the reason why part of my life pissed off when he has to repeat himself whenever i showed the blur look or when i didn't reply anytyn. haiz.

it's so lame if we ended up seperate ways just because of some lame reasons. i dump him cause he's stupid, he asked me alot of wierd questions and stuffs, he's a parkinson, he's DUMBARSE, he's just usyn me for he's own good, he's this and that... and so forth. or, he dump me cause im deaf, im having hearing problemz, i like to repeat myself and ask pple to repeat few times, im so emotional... always cry and so on. I JUST FIND IT LAME OUHKAE! doesn't make any sense and related at all. haiz.

seriously, i could feel that part of my life changed after his reservist. he's not lyk before (the tymes when we almost everydae hangout and chyll out together at my area and sms-es everydae and everynyte like there's no tomorrow). Now, we always find fault and argue instead. it's coming to our 6th monthsary. all along only my promises being fulfilled. what about his? you see, i really wanted to question hym bout his promises... but i will know the answer before i ask. haiz. you know what? i give up. ape nk jady, jady luh. he only care bout my promises to hym, what bout hys promises to me? buat2 tk tao. binget sak. :( .

i've been thinking. why should i hurt myself. why the cries and why the worries. i thynk i should put myself back in piece with this quote which i used to thynk back in tyme: Kalau ade, ade luh, Kalau tak ade, tak ade luh. nak buat mcm mane, da naseb. tkkn nk tolak atau kutok takdir kan? ku terima dan ku redha ape yg terjady. benda da nk jady. manusia yang merancang, tuhan yang tentukan. hmmmmmmmm.
if he really loves me, then he should thynk, accept me and appreciate of what i've done and won't even dare to hurt me or my feelings. may GOD workout his will one day to make him realised if he were just making used of me. human, it's so hard to predict, who are trustworthy and who doesn't. i leave everytyn on GOD's hand.

i don't lose anytyn if i were to dump hym. anytyme i can dump and leave hym just lyk that. i don't even regret what i've done. it's just that, i would feel half-hearted and wasted. wasted part of my life with a LOSER (if he still doesn't change to be a better and wise MAN). i don't smoke, i don't drink and i don't club. i don't even know how to flirt (OMG!), faithful to one and hardly to say no. he should be glad and lucky to have women like me. haiz. i just don't understand guys luh.

: i DON'T NEED hym at all. he NEEDS me. :

i've been ranting bout part of my life. sick. yeah, i know. ouhkae enuff of hym luh ehk. let's talk bout my life now. yeah... get a life! i am right now. heeee. :] i had enuff of cryings and consoling myself, lyk ermmm... everydae? haiz. bak kate pepatah: nangez air mater darah skalipon, takkan dpt balek punya. correct or not? haiz. just let the past be the past, learnt from the mistakes that we had on the past and so we can do better in the future. cheydeybah kakak PG da bebual. :X

i totally don't regret at all bought that lappy for hym. seriously. i sincerely bought specially for hym for hys own GOOD use. any negative thoughts or misusage of internet, i don't wana know at all. lyk i said, if he really loves me, he will be faithful to me, if he isn't then i just let GOD do the works. hmmmmmmm. i should have bought that new lappy by now, but i was in a tight budget, i would only buy end of this mth. :] . by hook or by crook, die-die i will buy by end of this month, as a gift for myself. heeee, ouh i just make myself contented.

then, i would make some savings to buy design tools/software and took course that i wanted. economy now is in a bad condition. so i guess, i just drop the idea of resignation from my existing career (mcm phm) for the tyme being. maybe, next yr or so then i would thynk bout it. right now, endurance do played an important role in my life now. haiz. ouh, im so sick of this shitty life siak. career konon. PUIK. been cursed everydae at werk is not a CAREER luh siak. LOLX. ouh, i want to be someone. haiz...

geee. i felt much better after blog.

...deep inside, itz bleedin...
4:54 AM

+++++++++

im not a princess.

I HAD A TERRIBLE DAY[S]

[ 27feb'09 ]
went for the Customer Service Management Course @Serangoon North CC (sumtyn lyk dat) which is secluded by the pple (lyk me) coordinate by the Aljunied Town Council (AJTC), Mr Clarence Tan (Ex-Contact Ctr Mgr of CPG FM). Took cab with Kak Lin, went for breakfirst as we're the early birds. It was held in a class. Group discussions n shares. Hmmmmmm. He's nice n great person. Nice talk by the way. How i wish the existing mgr have some character lyk him. DAMNZ.

took cab headed to yishun ctrl n we shop around (hehe, duit GST da masok beb). and guess what? I HAD A NEW HAIRCUT luh seh. :]

: will upload in the upcoming posts. :

[ 28feb'09 to 3mar'09]
i had a freakyn phugkynly BAD(100x) days.
4 straight whole days im busy lyk phugkyn hell doin tradesmen.
sat: STM.
sun: ETM.
Mon: STM.
Tue: ETM.
non-stop calls. i pause my line. concentratyn on my caseS. still, have to endure with nasty caller when i return calls to check and confirm on the situation. DAMNZ. i've been scolded for no reason, or worst still, some department didn't make a follow up, and i got the impact. THIS IS SO UNFAIR!

i hate my job. i hate my site line. this is customer service, i have to endure with it.

: Life Hurts. I Learn The Hard Way. :

[ 4mar'09 ]
we met. and it was 5hrs waits coz he's overslept. i was pretty mad n pissed off. i kept msg-in n call-in hym non-stop. coz i noe he's sleepyn. i took a good Belgian Chocolate Ice Blended n hangout @Sunplaza CoffeeBean (to cool me down) while reading SimplyHer. After the heavy downpour with thunderstorms, i had a GOOD peaceful of mynd on my own (wana chyll again by myself when im free again). i was thynkyn if still he didn't return my callz or msgz, i would juz hangout with one of my gf instead. he answered my call with his sexy-juz-wake-up voice (abeh suke, lolx). n decided to juz continue waityn. hmmmmm.

we eventually met after the whole 12 days of being away n argue via sms. i was pissed off.
1. he took his own sweet tyme.
2. he didn't say anytyn bout my newhaircut.
3. he whinyn bout his shitty lifes past few days.
4. he didn't questioned how have i been doin.
i kept silence coz i dun wana make things worst. that's it.
in my mynd, he just dun bother or care bout me anymore.
he only thynks bout hymself.

when i thynk back tyme, i told to some of my buddy bout hym, and they asked me to leave hym for my own good (you deserve the better ones out there gal). i noe, i understand why they say so. haiz. i felt guilty and sorry if i were to dump and leave hym. coz i gave hym hope, helpyn hands, loves & sincerity. it makes hym back alive again. i just wanted to change his life and care for me. he teaches me what is love, what is like to fall in love and how to make love. i don't wana leave hym coz i truly love hym. i duno what im goin to do without hym. i dun even have any close frens. or even bestfrens. pathetic right? i noe. all along, i just want someone to love and care for me. is it wrong?

we had a great arguements after we went to vivo. he sended me home. we try to talk things out and unexpected things happen. there's no shoutyn luh. duhhh. i questionyn hym around and he answered me. why u dun reply my msgs, retun my calls. and the only lame reason i get from hym was hp batt flatt and he's sleepyn. it was just talks and i got out of my mynd out of sudden (perhaps im wae too pissed off, hungry and tired) and all i wanted to do is to just cry (to flow out everytyn). i felt much better after i let it flow out. i just dun dare to cry infront of hym, i grab my bag and headed home. he just walk off.

i called hym, he rejected my calls. FYNE. i texted hym. he starts emo-in bout his life background. haiz. i noe, i shouldn't touch on sensitive stuffs to hym. damnz. now i regret whatever i msg hym all this while. he's neither from the very high standard income pple, nor my family's stage kind of income. haiz. if i do forgive hym n give hym chances, why can't he? this is so unfair. and i start lecturyn in my texts. i juz hope that he could thynk and won't react out of hys limits (lyk me).

im stewpid in relationship. i dun wana end this relationship. i dun wana feel heartbroken. i dun wana noe what it is to be heartbroken.

: im imperfect. im tired of waityn. he's the 1st and probably the last. :

ouh mirror mirror on the wall...
damnz im fugly out of all...
im not a princess for your to fall...
& life is not a fairytale, happily never afterall.

...deep inside, itz bleedin...
12:00 PM

+++++++++

ouh, those lil faith.

i wanna change. i wanna get some life. i wanna lead a better life.
turning into 'me'. the real 'me'. the 'me' inside me, you noe. -.-"
i dun wanna be like those typical girls. ended up stuck themselves at home, looking after small monsters and gets paranoid everydae/everynight.
Gets misery when part of her life comes back home late at night and having those thoughts of 'ouh-he-must-have-been-met-up-some-women', 'ouh-yeah-another-party-in-the-clubs' or 'it's-just-a-drink-with-my-old-friends' or worse still 'im-busy-at-work-don't-you-ever-understand'.
& this is where disputes, arguements, conflicts started to erupt.
seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
I DON'T WANNA END UP MY LIFE LIKE THIS.

i don't know how long i would be able to stand with part of my life.
and i don't even know if he's the one. everyone's been pretty mad at me.
i know i shouldn't do this and that and stuffs...hmmmmmmmm.
i just... i just don't know the reason why. why i'm doing all this. for him.
sometimes i don't know whether some pple do really notice my kindness and appreciates of what i've done all this while.
is it wronged to be nice?

let's talk bout trust.
how many percent do i trust at part of my life? ans: 70%.
i don't trust him fully coz men are all typically the same. same dick think alike. am i right to say that? how beautyful his wife could be, when pretty n flawless lady passby, they just can't resist to have a quick glance from top to the bottom.
main typical reason why i bought him that free lappy is because i wanted him to learn something [he's stupid btw, ouhkae shhh]. learn bout the latest gadgets and softwares. not those design or technical tools. i mean those basic knowlegde of typical softwares like microsoft words and etc...
but did he?
pathetically, he only interested in porns. damnz.
and obviously cyberlife.
i've learnt lotsa stuff bout cyber. and i had enuff.
no doubt, chattyn and get-to-know is just part of cyber life.
it's just the individuals themselves needs to know the limits.
the interaction limits in the cyber world.

alright i'm making myself sound kind of jealousy here.
come on, tell me which gf's doesn't gets jealous when her own bf get to know or chat with other girls? fine, ouhkae i've got no points or no evidence to proof he's playing behind back right? i've been through. you know, 'cyber'. it's cyber btw. yeah, it's just cyber afterall. fine, shut up then.

what more men needs in a women?
looks? attitudes? status? intelligence? wealth? or a bony?
i don't smoke. i don't drink. i don't club. ouhkae fine, i used to be a smoker. but it was many years ago. im fugly and im fat. yeah just what's wrong with that? fat human have feelings and mindset too. they're not another some laughing stock. im fat and whats the problem with that? well educated, earns a living and im happy.
am i? ...............
sometimes i think, he's the one whom really NEEDS me.
and i don't NEED him at all.
erase my sadness, swallowed my pain and bottled up my feelings.

sometimes i felt i've given up.
but i do still have those lil faith.
all i wanted to do is to change someone's life.
but why am i the one get hurts in the end?
good question. why should i bother when he doesn't care at all?

life is not like a fairytale.
there's no such thing as a fairy godmother.
there's no prince charming coming to save you.
and i'm not a princess.
everything is just a mess.

[next pay cheque goes to]
- new haircut.
- new lappy (ouh thanks to GST package).

...deep inside, itz bleedin...
5:15 AM

+++++++++

& she myss her past.

holla! im back pple!
my newie blogskin. :]
i had a pretty hard tyme...
searchyn fer a newie skin fer my bloggy.
this tyme round, im juz pretty tired
edityn n creates my own bloggyskin.
im BZ y0u see. heee.

ouh, btw...
im closyn my old b0okz.
n welcome to the new chapters.

damnz.
i've wasted part of life.

[currently addicted to]
- taylor swift: love story.
- kate perry : thinking of you.
- lily allen : Smile.

...deep inside, itz bleedin...
6:15 AM

+++++++++

...*sCaRy'S sTuFfz*...

...sCaRy'S sTuFfz...